Daughters of the Woods

By Lindsey Floyd

Monique’s father was an alcoholic so she never drank even when she became of age. She didn’t want to experience what made him abandon her, her mom, and her siblings. But on top of this barn, with Bianca Greene next to her, two shots of homemade moonshine damaging her liver, and freedom in her veins, the last thing she could think about is her dad and his addiction. 

She felt free. Free from the farm, free from being the oldest daughter, and free from herself. Maybe she wasn’t thinking clearly or being reckless but deep down, she needed the relief.

Bianca was laying on the roof beside her with her arms raised above her head. Her dingy tank top allowed for her long slender arms and lower stomach to shine under the moonlight. It had been so long since Monique was in her presence in this way. For six years, they ignored each other. From their last years of high school, festivals, trail rides, and even church they avoided each other in every way they could. 

“You know…” Monique said. “I felt so lonely without you.” 

Bianca glanced over to her, mischief dancing in her brown eyes. “Who said you have me now?” 

“You forced me here.” 

“No.” She shook her head. “Your busted ass car broke down outside the gas station and I offered to give you a ride.” 

“So the moonshine and climbing a barn was my idea?” 

Her silence said enough. Monique grabbed the mason jar of clear liquid beside her and poured a gulp into her mouth before passing it over to Bianca. “Who even made this?” 

Bianca took the jar from Monique’s hand and sat up to drink some. As soon as she did, she lay back down onto the roof. “Mr. Larry was selling it at the pine fest.” 

Monique had skipped the pine fest this year. She was too busy two towns over underneath her fourth random man of the month. This time he was a blue-collar worker that she met at her little sister’s graduation two weeks prior. They met in his town, grabbed some food, went for a ride on his motorcycle, and traveled back to his place. He’d been texting her ever since but the truth was, Monique felt nothing. She felt nothing for him and nothing for the dozen of guys she used before him.

Monique lay besides Bianca, staring up at the cloudy nighttime Georgia sky. She always admired the amount of stars you could see the further from the city you are. Mentally, she counted the shining white dots in the sky in admiration.  They’ve both lived here all their lives. It was their biggest blessing but also their biggest downfall. How could they love the place that hated who they were?

“Heard you finally became rodeo queen.” 

For a quick moment Monique’s heart jumped. “Yeah I did. Me and ZooZoo finally did it.”

“That devil ass horse.” 

ZooZoo kicked the shit out of Bianca on Monique’s sixteenth birthday. Bianca had refused to ride any horse but after ten years, she finally agreed. What was supposed to be something fun quickly ended in Bianca being laid on the ground with a bloodied face, broken nose, and embarrassment that could be detected for miles out. 

“ZooZoo ain’t no devil you just too scary.” 

“Fuck you and ZooZoo.” Bianca rolled her eyes.  

For the first time in a while, Monique found herself laughing. And with that, Bianca laughed too. 

Once they both died down, Monique asked, “How you been lately?”

Bianca shrugged, her woozy body leaning more towards Monique. 

“Just taking care of me and Vada.” 

Monique smiled at the thought of Bianca’s little sister. “Damn how old is she now?” 

“Sixteen and call herself having a lil boyfriend.” Bianca glanced back up at the sky. “It’s so crazy seeing her grow up. Auntie Vic’s death really fucked her up, you know? I’m just happy I can give her a lil more than I had.” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” 

The energy between them turned tense as Monique shamefully looked away. Nothing but trees and dark roads of the deep south could be seen. While they were still on her family’s farm, this old barn that her grandfather built in 1945 was on the outskirts of their property. Bianca and Monique would hide away on the roof for hours as kids. But instead of Barbie dolls and juice boxes, they now carried moonshine and a boatload of responsibilities with them. They weren’t the same little girls who spent every moment together, but instead they were grown women who took care of their families and did everything they could to survive. 

“Deep down I wish you were there.” Bianca whispered with tears clouding her eyes. 

“I know but after everything, I didn’t think you’d want me there honestly.” 

Bianca sighed and finally turned to look at Monique. Their gaze held the other’s as if the second they looked away, this moment in time would be ripped beneath their feet. “Auntie Vic died, I found her, and all I wanted was you to be there.” 

Monique couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol or Bianca’s confession that made her feel fuzzy and warm on the inside. “You told me to leave you alone B. You know how much that hurt? How crazy I felt?” 

Bianca’s soft palm grabbed Monique’s rough one. It was the smallest gesture but Monique knew what she was trying to say even if the words hadn’t formed yet. After years of radio silence, Monique got the reassurance she’d been seeking all along. 

Their friendship was just that– until one day it wasn’t. Monique wasn’t sure if it was the development of boobs or Bianca’s first pair of grills she got for her fourteenth birthday. Or seeing her ride dirt bikes on the backroads and in the mud. Maybe it was seeing her dance with Vincent Baker at their eighth grade formal. Could’ve been the times where they laid, just as they are now, on the roof of an eighty year old barn. 

As they stared into each other’s eyes, Monique couldn’t help but remember the last time they’d spoken. The weekend after Bianca had broken her nose, she came over for a sleepover. They watched movies, ate dinner with her family, and painted each other’s nails. When night creeped along, Monique’s crush had reached its heights. That night, they ignored the societal pressures forced upon them and allowed themselves to be free within those four walls. 

The next morning, Bianca panicked and within that, told Monique to never speak to her again or she’d tell the entire town that Monique came onto her. So Monique forced herself into compliance and had for the last six years.

Monique had spent the last years ashamed of who she was and what she wanted from life. So she tried her best to change it. She went to church, she slept with as many men as she could, and still she felt nothing. She could be underneath a million men and not one would make her feel what Bianca did. And in that moment she knew without an inch of a doubt that she’d never feel more alive than this. 

“I felt it too.” 

Monique’s hand tightened around Bianca’s in the desperate need to keep her close for as long as she could. 

“Can I please kiss you?” 

The cold wind blew Bianca’s hair away from her face, giving Monique the perfect view of her deep brown skin, wild curls, and chiseled jawline. “Monique…” 

With her other hand, Monique softly placed Bianca’s flying hair behind her ear, “Yes?” 

Suddenly, Bianca dropped Monique’s hand and slid a few inches away. 

“You know this isn’t right.” 

“But it can be Bianca. Who are they to tell us what to do with our lives?” Based on how Bianca responded last time, Monique wasn’t surprised. 

“You’re being delusional.” Bianca finally broke eye contact and placed her attention back onto the sky.

Monique’s cloud-like feelings suddenly plummeted back to reality. This is the life they were forced to live. In a stupid town in the middle of nowhere where being queer was one of the biggest sins you could commit. In a place where defying the rules exiled them from the culture they lived in for as long as they could remember.

“Do you remember Ashley Woodcock?” Monique’s voice wasn’t as confident as it was before, but instead it was fragile as if it’d break at any moment. 

Bianca raised an eyebrow but still refused to look at Monique. 

“Yeah?” 

“We…” Monique took a deep breath. “We cheered together. And after you, I was so heartbroken. I thought I was fucked up and crazy for what we did that night.” 

“I’m sorry-” 

“Let me finish,” Monique softly interrupted. “One day after practice, Coach told Ashley to help me with some jumps until our parents came to pick us up. She did and she told me that she knew I’d looked at her in… ways… before. She told me that she looked at me the same. We dated in secret for like four months. God, Bianca I was so in love with that girl. She said she wanted to tell her parents and we could finally be a real couple. We wouldn’t have to lie and say we’re just friends, we wouldn’t have to wait until everyone left the locker room to kiss, we wouldn’t have to live a lie. So I agreed. I told her if her parents accepted us then I’d tell my parents. We planned for her to tell on a Saturday so that it could settle and on Monday she’d tell me what happened at school.” 

By this point, tears streamed down Monique’s face and Bianca had finally looked at her. “What happened Mo?” 

“She didn’t show up to school for a week and didn’t answer any of her texts. I was so worried that I rode my bike to her house. Her mom answered the door and I swear no one has ever looked at me so disgustingly, Bianca. She said she sent her away to some camp to cleanse her of whatever I put in her head. She called me the devil and said if she ever sees me around Ashley again, she wouldn’t hesitate to tell my mom everything.” 

After her relationship with Ashley was over, Monique forced herself to conform to the environment around her. The farm, her family, her culture, it was all so important so she submitted to the rules set for her. She made herself  never look at women in that way again. She prayed every single night for God to strip her of her sinful mind. She fasted. She was re-baptized. She read the bible and communed with people in need. She forced herself into sex with men, hoping that one of them would flip a switch within her. But none of it worked and she was still tainted with the sin she’s always fought. 

“You aren’t broken Mo.” Bianca’s hand grabbed hers again, “But this isn’t social media or a big city. This is real and people won’t accept us here.” 

“I am so tired of seeking acceptance from people who sin way more than I do. Why are their sins less than mine? Why is being true to myself a sin?” 

Bianca sighed, “I don’t know but this is what it is. We can’t change that.” 

“We aren’t children Bianca.” Frustration built inside Monique.“Why are you letting other people dictate our lives?” 

“What do you want from me?” Bianca raised her voice. “You think this is a fairytale. You want to walk in Walmart and hold hands? You wanna kiss in town square? There is a reason people like us live in fucking secret, Monique! Because while we’re holding hands and kissing, there’ll be people thinking we’re tainting their children, they’ll spit at us, gossip in their kitchens, call us faggots, and whatever else! You can not be this fucking delusional!” 

“Fuck them!” Monique yelled. “I have been miserable my whole fucking life, Bianca. I have tried forcing this out of me for so long and I’m tired of it.” 

“I’m not saying it’s fair, but this is the world we live in, Mo.” 

“So you wanna lay on this barn and only love under the moonlight forever?” 

Bianca gently wiped Monique’s tears, her heart sunken and her mind spinning. “We will never have a happy ending, Mo. We both know it.” 

Their foreheads pressed together and their breathing synced. All they could think about is this connection they’ve always shared. The two nights they were able to acknowledge it and the lifetime they’d  have ignoring it. 

“Can I please kiss you?” Bianca whispered.

Without second guessing, Monique nodded and their lips joined together. The same longing Monique felt six years ago overtook her, and all she wanted was to stay there forever.

But forever is a freedom they would never be able to afford.